Overlooked and undervalued

Is that how it feels?

There are many roads out of that predicament. As so often is the case, some self-reflective questions are helpful in opening up the thinking and perspectives of the situation.

At one point in my life I felt so disempowered and disrespected, that when I changed jobs and my new colleagues asked my advice or gave me affirmation, I looked over my shoulder to see who they were talking to! This leads me to ask you - if you are feeling overlooked and undervalued - are you in the best role and organisation for the skills, experience and overall ‘gifts’ you have to offer?

Are your feelings based on fact or are they like an old coat that needs to be thrown away and another one bought - one tailored to your size and shape - metaphorically speaking :-)

As a wise person once said - find out what you love to do and then find a way of earning a living at it. While that good advice doesn’t always work in practise, there will be elements of what gives you satisfaction and brings joy and peace to your soul, that can be as transferable as the skills you have.

Or perhaps it is time to be going in a whole new direction - your own business, or retraining. Oh the options are limitless and, as your coach, I can support and encourage you as you examine them.

Blue skies and sunshine

Sometimes life can feel relentless - rain, wind, difficult colleagues, passive people who make no effort. Then the sun comes out, you notice the buds on the shrubs and trees, in the garden or park, that promise spring will bring colour and warmth after the winter - and something within you feels like that bud that is waiting for its situation to change so it can burst forth. Oh yes you can! Whatever it is, if it’s a yearning that feels forever a pregnancy and never a birth - yes you can. And you may need a midwife to help, encourage and tend to you through the process!

I love working with people, hearing their stories and the things that have got in the way of them fulfilling dreams and ambitions. Then, when they have felt it all hopeless, a new way of looking at a situation brings a shaft of light. Take Darren (not his real name), his heart was in his boots. Constant changes in the team, changes in offices that and management had left him feeling disrespected, side-lined and plain lonely at work. He thought of how it had been a few years before when the team worked together creatively and felt sad for the loss. We explored what he really wanted, deep down. He told me his dream would be to take early retirement but that was impossible.

So we looked at the ways that he might make changes at work that would make things better. He wanted to do that. Then he became ready to think of the ‘impossible’ and he started to take some small steps into conversations with the relevant people, it became less impossible. Gradually he felt empowered to ask for what he wanted, having planned who to talk to, what he would say and how he would approach it all. I’m happy to say that he got the happy ending to his career that he wanted and now travels the country with his wife and the caravan and gets better and better as a painter and blesses various charities with his volunteering. A happy fulfilled life that he had thought impossible to achieve so early.

There are many such stories that I have from my courageous clients; and the sunshine in my life comes out when I see that look on their face when they realise that the change they want IS possible.

What situation is making you sad today?

What change, even if small, would bring the sun out from behind the clouds?

Would you like some ‘midwife’ support from me to bring that change about?

Got to or Get to?

Words are powerful - we all know and have experienced that fact. They are creative - it is interesting that the Bible says that God spoke and the world was created. Whatever your position on faith, for a very long time the creative space that words influence has had it’s effect upon us. So why do we use them so carelessly or, worse, intentionally destructively?

Another thing that is generally agreed upon is that we respond better to encouragement than judgement - the carrot rather than the stick. By and large people (and animals) are eager to please and want to do well. We want to please those we love and do well in our jobs. So I wonder why we have media communication that always seems to look at the worst possible scenarios of any situation. Why do news interviewers drill and goad ministers and experts to ‘admit’ that the worst might happen. This results in fear, disillusionment and disempowerment - and that makes us less effective.

So here’s a very simple thing that might help to bring some positivity into your day (taken from a talk by Tina Brigley): When you are feeling like you have to do something that you are not keen on, replace I’ve Got to with I GET to. Example: I loathe housework but I’ve GOT to do it because I don’t like my home messy. When I say I GET to do housework I have a whole new perspective = I’m fortunate to have a house to clean. I’m not keen on writing policies but they have to be done; so I GET to do them and thereby ensure that there is clarity in the workplace for my colleagues about health & safety or maternity leave etc., etc.

Have a go - what have you GOT to do today that can be positively reframed when you GET to do it? Let me know.

Nobody puts Baby in the corner

Over many years, in life and in the workplace, I have seen numerous situations where people have been upset, to varying degrees, with the way someone treats them or speaks to them. As the old saying goes “It’s not what you say, it’s the way that you say it”.

One of the ways in which I encourage people to speak out, is to help the see that it is not only bad for them to feel dominated but it is also bad to leave that person unaware of the effect of their behaviours. You could say that inaction is shielding them from self-revelation and improvement.

A recent client told me that she felt angry with herself for allowing her boss to be dominating. She admired the boss’ experience and skills but felt steam-rollered by her and frustrated that she was not demonstrating her own abilities sufficiently.

So we worked on what was important to my client; what she wanted to change; how she perceived the boss and other colleagues and the culture of the organisation. We looked at other areas of life where this disempowerment had shown up. We took account of the skills and ambitions of my client. What she wanted in the longer term and what was important for now. Then we looked at the steps that needed to to be taken to achieve this. We even had a bit of fun in role playing what she would say in a meeting that was coming up; how she would ensure the conversation gave an opening to what was important for her to articulate.

I’m happy to say that the particular meeting, and subsequent ones, went well and she got the promotion she wanted and developed an empowered way of relating to her boss that was fruitful for everyone and the organisation. My added pleasure was in seeing her set free to be more fully herself.

Do you remember a line in the film Dirty Dancing? “Nobody puts Baby in the corner”. The dominating father was displeased with his daughter’s behaviour and she sat in the corner of the dining area of the holiday camp they were in. Her dancing partner came up and pulled her out to dance with that sentence.

If you are in the corner - contact me for an exploratory conversation to see if you think I could support you to show your true colours to the world.

“Vulnerability is the birthplace of innovation, creativity and change.”- Brené Brown

Do you think this is true?

20 years ago, before I trained to be a coach, I decided to leave my marriage. I felt very vulnerable - what would people think of me? At that time I ran a village post office, led junior church, was a parish councillor and a trustee of the village hall.

In fact, I started to have more in-depth conversations with people who felt able to be vulnerable with me because they no longer had the impression that I had a problem-free life.

So how do I, as a coach, show up to my clients as a professional and also as a vulnerable human being? Brené Brown is a great example; her credentials do not lie only in her academic achievements, well researched writing and talks. I am able to trust that she knows what she is talking about because she demonstrates her heart connection through her willingness to be vulnerable as she shares her own experiences.

As I have been transparent with people they have responded with openness and this has not reduced their respect for what I bring to coaching by way of background, experience, training and skills.

I think what most of us want is a fellow traveller who understands and is able to encourage and bring hope because they have the scars to demonstrate they are an overcomer.

A trim or a restyle?

I’ve just been to the hairdresser for a trim. For the last 8 months I’ve been transitioning from my short hair cut, of the last 20 years, to something softer. I had to go through the mid-way stage when I nearly gave up because it looked so dreadful.

In your life or career, are you in need of a trim or a restyle? If the latter, is it an immediate and dramatic change or something where you know what you want but that it will take small, patient and persevering steps to get there? If it’s just a trim then some discernment needs to be engaged to ensure you get rid of what is no longer needed but do not go so far as to spoil what is working well. But perhaps you need a dramatic change and feel you can no longer tolerate what is and need to be courageous in stepping into something different, whether that change needs to be fast or slow.

All types of change require careful consideration of options - those perceived and those that are inviting you to consider them. Sometimes, just hearing your voice articulate what you want can be a reality check of what might be involved and where your heart’s desire truly lies.

I can help with the perceiving, the steps, supporting you to be courageous or persevering; so let’s have a call to chat it through?

What is empowerment?

Well - we often talk about it in terms of empowering people. That usually means we give them ‘permission’ in respect of something. But that, while being something I have encouraged managers to do, is not what I want to explore with you by my question.

I’m interested in how people become empowered within themselves. So often our upbringing, experiences at school, then work, or within the culture we inhabit, keep us in a quiet acceptance that someone else has a right to have authority over us.

That may be demonstrated when we dare to voice our opinion. I’m currently watching ‘Life’ on TV; it stars Alison Steadman as a wife of 70 who is dominated by her husband (he loves her in his way) and ridiculed by him for her opinions and this behaviour has been passed on to her, now grown up, children. Then she bumps into a school friend who cannot understand where the wild and fearless teenager, who she knew at school, went.

• Who is the real you who has become trapped into a lesser version of yourself?

• What do you long for?

• What do you want to do about it?

Please don’t wait until you are 70. But, even if you are, it is never too late to empower that person within you who is crying out to be heard, valued and respected and move into being comfortable in your newly empowered state. Whatever the circumstances, empowerment can be experienced and, actually, it will not be dependent upon what others think.

I remember two young colleagues coming to me in a nervous state because they were both due to have their appraisal with their dominant, bullying, line manager who rendered them speechless - unable to articulate their perspective of work she was criticising. I encouraged them to think of the most important two things that they wanted her to hear within that meeting; then to practise how they would say it and speak it out loud to the wall. That way they would experience a little bit of empowerment through deciding what they wanted to communicate and for those seconds, not to feel bullied. They both did so and felt so happy about that achievement. Both went on to make excellent career progress.

I’d love to hear your thoughts on this subject?

The boomerang effect

Do things keep coming around, again and again, like the proverbial boomerang? If they are good things, great; but often they are things like the controlling friend or relative; the hard to please line manager; being runner up for the job or promotion you so badly wanted; being misunderstood. The list goes on.

When you find yourself in a boomerang loop, life is giving you a message; there is something to learn here. To escape this cycle which frustrates, disappoints, hurts or angers you - it is time to ask some searching questions. This is one of many situations where I can help you. Big open questions from a coach who is absolutely on your side, and wanting the very best for you. Questions that will uncover the you that has been disempowered so you can rise and be your true self. Questions that will open up new possibilities. This work is exciting; sometimes a little scary (in a nice way) and always stretching for a good purpose.

Message me so we can talk about your boomerangs, hopes and dreams. I’m for you.

Enhance your life with a dose of awe

Did you hear the reference to ‘deficit of awe’ on Radio 4’s Today programme on Monday? There was a study in 2012 that showed the benefits of having those awe-inspiring moments in your life. So when you feel good after gazing up at the stars, watching amazing animals on a David Attenborough programme or seeing waves crash on the beach - it’s doing you good. Not just for your personal wellbeing but, according to the authors (Melanie Rudd, Kathleen D. Vohs and Jennifer Aaker), Awe Expands People’s Perception of Time, Alters Decision Making, and Enhances Well-Being.

So, it seems that a dose of awe, more than an apple a day, will serve you well both in your personal and business life. When was the last time you heard someone say they feel as if they are rich in time? When I ask people how they are, they usually say “fine, but sooo busy” and roll their eyes. This piece of research also shows that those who feel awe not only felt they had more time but were also less impatient (probably related), were more willing to volunteer their time to help others and preferred experiences to material products. Overall they had greater life satisfaction.

And what about decision-making? (I obviously need more awe as I’m so reflective that making a decision is slow work for me). Having more awe experiences helps people to be more present and this positively influences their decisions and, also, life feels more satisfying. (See https://www.bauer.uh.edu/mrrudd/download/AweExpandsTimeAvailability.pdf)

So what inspires awe in you? For me it is often a lovely sunset, the movement of trees and also some Facebook posts a friend shares of amazing, highly coloured birds. Those seconds make me catch my breath and sometimes I’ll notice the prick of tears in my eyes. Let me know what gives you a sense of awe.

Using Imagination

Imagination is powerful. Sometimes we use it so often that we neglect fully living in the present. Imagination is frequently used to daydream of a better life or future. Then, again, it can be destructively used when something negative has happened and we imagine a conversation with someone who has hurt or offended or angered us. In this imagined conversation we are triumphant - our powerful words shock the other person into silence as they marvel at the wisdom and truth of what we are saying and are cut to the quick that their words or actions caused us pain. Yeah, right, not likely is it?

However, imagination exercises can be powerful learning tools and I have two to share with you. The first is one I use sometimes in coaching; it helps clients to imagine themselves in the future and to learn from their ‘future self’. It can unlock dreams that we have forgotten or given up on and spur us into action as we access the wisdom our future self passes on to us.

The 2nd exercise is probably more useful to those of faith and I use versions of it during spiritual direction sessions. There are recordings from other spiritual directors on the website to which the link takes you. If you use the one I have done, you may well find it helpful to pause the video to give yourself more time between questions than I managed to do in my first ‘selfie’ recording of such a thing! So - here they are:

Future Self Exercise - take your time to imagine all the scenes

Settle into a comfy chair, close your eyes and imagine that you are about to take a trip into space. You go to the rocket and settle yourself into the chair. Blast off! In a matter of minutes you are able to look out of the window of the rocket and can see our little world far below you; it looks so small within the universe. After a time the rocket returns to the earth - but 20 years have elapsed. You decide to visit your future self - you, 20 years older. The rocket has landed near your future self’s home and you walk towards it. What do you notice - city, town, rural location? You approach the building - what it is like? Then you go to the door and knock. You hear some sound from inside and then the door opens and your future self stands before you. What do you look like? S/He invites you in. Look around you - what kind of a home does your future self inhabit? What is the decor like? What kind of things are within the space - books, ornaments, pictures, lighting etc.? Your future self invites you to sit down and gets some refreshments and you start to talk. What are the questions you want to ask your future self and what are his/her answers? What is the most important bit of advice your future self wants to give you? What is a descriptive name that you want to call your future self?

Now it is time to return to the present. You say goodbye and retrace your footsteps, enter the rocket and travel up into space before returning back to the present. Open your eyes and make notes of the things that seem pertinent and important from this exercise. If this has been a useful exercise for you, you may want to remember it and consider, over coming years, what your future self would advise you at times when you need discernment.

Spiritual Direction exercise

I invite you to play the video - all is explained within it. Bring an issue that is concerning you in some way and allow your imagination to bring some insight into the situation.

https://www.vineyardchurches.org.uk/prayfast/imaginative-prayer/

Other people, huh?!

Below is another, longer, quote from Jacques Philippe and his book ‘Interior Freedom’. I am endlessly fascinated with the different ways people think, behave, react, respond etc. The more we understand one another, the more compassion and curiosity we can feel - and, of course, the better we can communicate. I’m a reflector and I know that drives my daughter round the bend at times because I take forever to make a decision. But she’s learned that is the way I operate. It is easy to pick up that my son is extrovert and loud but you might not so easily discern his sensitivity. So how can we look for the positive aspects behind the behaviours in others that grate on our personality?

Here is the quote:

“Our different ways of expressing ourselves, and different psychological filters, make it hard to perceive one another’s real intentions. People have very different and sometimes conflicting temperaments and ways of seeing things, and that is something to be recognized and accepted cheerfully. Some love to have everything in order and are upset by the slightest disorder. Others feel stifled when everything is overly organized and regulated. Those who love order feel threatened by anyone who leaves the smallest object out of place; those with the opposite temperament feel they are being attacked by anyone who insists on perfect tidiness. We are quick to attach moral judgments to such behavior, calling what pleases us “good” and what doesn’t “bad.” Examples abound. We must be careful not to turn our families and communities into permanent war zones divided between defenders of order and defenders of freedom, partisans of punctuality and partisans of easygoingness, lovers of peace and quiet and lovers of exuberance, early birds and night owls, chatterers and taciturn types…and so on. We need to accept other people just as they are, understand that their approach and values are not the same as ours, and to broaden our minds and soften our hearts toward them. That isn’t easy. It means seeing our own wisdom in relative terms and becoming small and humble. We must learn to renounce the pride we take in being right, which often prevents us from entering into the other person’s thoughts; and that is extremely hard.

Interior Freedom (p. 62). Scepter Publishers. Kindle Edition.

The challenge to interior freedom

Here is a quote from ‘Interior Freedom’ by Jacques Philippe:

To achieve true interior freedom we must train ourselves to accept, peacefully and willingly, plenty of things that seem to contradict our freedom. This means consenting to our personal limitations, our weaknesses, our powerlessness, this or that situation that life imposes on us, and so on. We find it difficult to do this, because we feel a natural revulsion for situations we cannot control. But the fact is that the situations that really make us grow are precisely those we do not control.

What is your initial reaction? There are many people who like to control/dominate others as well as situations over which we have no control. So does it not go against the grain to decide to consent to something we do not like or choose? And what about our weaknesses - shouldn’t we be trying to improve ourselves?

There is more to this than meets the eye. I think it is about us choosing to consent. Choice is a freedom in itself isn’t it? For instance - trivial example; I am lousy at proof reading my writing - no point in me being angry about it because I have tried very hard over many years to get better. So I consent to this weakness and mitigate against it, when necessary, by inviting someone to proof read important documents.

But, when faced with something that we do not want and have not chosen, what does Philippe suggest? He says that we have 3 choices: rebellion; resignation or consent. Of those, I suggest the most powerful and healthy response is consent. Consent is a positive action; resignation lacks any hint of power or freedom and forms a breeding ground for resentment; rebellion is a word and action that suggests an angry interior.

Those are a few quick thoughts from me after reading those sentences from Philippe. What are yours? What is the power within the word ‘consent’ that you discern?

Slow, Silence, Solitude, Sabbath rest

I think this is a quote from John Ortberg:

"At this point in my life, I'm just trying to not miss the goodness of each day, and bring my best self to it."

Yes, we can plan for the future and learn from the past - but let's LIVE in the now.

I've just finished the book The Ruthless Elimination of Hurry by John Mark Comer. Age, weight and joints may have slowed me down physically but the pressure to multi-task in our somewhat chaotic more, more, more world, is strong. Where are we in such a hurry to get to? What is the level of our fear of missing out? Let's do slow, simple, silence and solitude and take at least one day a week to really rest.

CV19 has brought about some enforced slowing down for many. Fewer deadlines to meet, activities to fit into an already packed life. For those self isolating there has been enforced solitude. I don't know about you, but I've enjoyed the increased silence with fewer planes and cars. What have you enjoyed about this period? Yes, some things will have been tough, but what have you ENJOYED?

And what have you learned? About life, yourself, those you care about? How will that learning impact you going forward?

The ebb and flow of life

Nature tells us so much about life doesn’t it? Today I’ve been thinking about breath; many different groups - mindfulness, yoga, meditation within various religions - suggest that to bring us into a place where our mind can let go of the chatter of competing demands in our thoughts, is to breath; to pay attention to our breath. In and out, deeper and longer, in and out. So I’m wondering what we can learn from this; right now I’m thinking that our bodies are teaching us that we are designed to take things in and to release them. Stay with me here.

How is it that we have become such accumulators? At the first sign of Covid19 people rushed out and filled cupboards with supplies and emptied the supermarket shelves. They hoarded food and toilet rolls and didn’t seem to care that this meant other people went without. Then I ponder on why rich people never seem satisfied with their wealth and are driven to accumulate more.

What if our breath, in and out, is showing us that we will be healthier people, mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually, if, following accumulation, we distribute - we share? If we fail to breath in or to breath out, we will die. So what is the negative effect upon us when we keep wanting and striving to get more?

The more could be money, belongings, knowledge, fame, love etc., etc. but let’s stick with possessions/money for the purpose of this blog.

• What stuff do you have in your cupboards, attic, shed, garage or in boxes under the stairs, that you have not used in the last year or two or ten?

• Now imagine getting rid of anything you have not used in, say, two years. How do you feel about that?

• If the idea terrifies you; what lies behind that fear?

• How would it feel to be satisfied with enough?

• How would it feel to declutter your home and life and give what you don’t need to people who do?

• What time might you reclaim in your life if the drive for more were eliminated?

• What pressure might be lifted if you decided you had enough and that you are enough?

Spring always follows Winter - always

Some years ago I was in a dark place. There seemed to be no light on the horizon or anything to comfort me. I’m usually a glass half full sort of person but this had been going on for over 2 years and I was out of optimism. Then, one day when staying in Bath, the son-in-law of my friend felt compelled to say to me “Shelagh, Spring always follows Winter - always”. That felt like a little flicker of light which was amplified some weeks later when I saw the first snowdrops in my garden. Spring! I thought - but no, they are a winter flowering bulb; yet they pronounce that Spring is on its way. And some months later my season in life changed and I welcomed Spring back.

Life is tough sometimes; and those barren or mountainous times seem endless. But unless we are very young, we will have some history to remind us that they eventually end. What else can we notice in nature to teach us this? I was sitting quietly with someone who was going through such a tough time a few months ago; a picture came into my mind of a tree in winter. Stark against a winter sky yet, on examination of the twigs, you will see the dormant buds that, in the warmer temperature of Spring, will start to swell and eventual burst forth into new life. The promise is there in those dormant buds throughout winter but we rarely notice them because, as we rush past, we just see a leafless tree.

In coaching, the first thing I often do is to talk to my client about increasing their sensitivity to notice things. It might be what energises them or what saps their joy of life. What do they love doing? We live in such a hurry, packing things into our waking hours, and this can anaesthetise us so that we fail to notice the signposts that direct us towards what will be physically, emotionally and mentally healthy. Spending an hour in coaching on a regular basis for a period of time creates space to consider these things. To be heard by the coach and to hear your own voice. There have been many times when I’ve enjoyed hearing people tell me what they want, only to find that it had become an out-dated wish. Then it is time to explore what life is inviting them into in the present. The joy of coaching is that people climb outside of their box and see new possibilities and can then decide their direction of travel.

Endings and Beginnings

On Saturday I completed my training in spiritual direction. The past 20 months have been transformative for me. I have read many books, attended 10 training workshops, given direction to 8 people and received direction both from my regular spiritual director, a spiritual director during an Ignatian ‘journey’ over 10 weeks and from my peers on the training programme. Our trainer, Sara Carlisle of Sustainable Faith, was exceptionally gifted in her ability to teach and facilitate with humour and sensitivity. My cohort of 12 are now dear to my heart - multi-talented people.

So as that formal training finishes, we will move onto practising. Supervision will be part of life because we all need to be accountable when we are ministering. I will continue with my current directees and look forward to welcoming new people to explore the riches of this life.