SPRING BRINGS RESURRECTION EVERY YEAR

There is a cycle of death in autumn, waiting in winter and then spring and summer every year. Spring is exciting because it is the very beginning of what we have hoped for during the seemingly barren, cold and dark days of winter.

It happens every year; there is a natural order. There is purpose in it.

·       Are you fighting what is unfolding in your life?

·       How can your approach be altered to help you get the most from each stage of this pattern?

Easter Saturday was a bit like winter. Those close to Jesus thought it was the end. They were confused; seemingly forgetting what he had said to prepare them. Unlike us, they did not realise that Easter Sunday was on its way.

Hope springs eternal in the human breast – so said Alexander Pope. Now we know that the death of Good Friday, and the living with that fact on Easter Saturday, was going to precede the ecstatic joy of Easter Sunday. Resurrection. A whole new start; quite different from what had been expected.

·       Are you living in Easter Saturday or perhaps still experiencing the death of Good Friday?

Spring always follows winter. Hang in there and allow yourself to feel your way through the death and waiting, knowing that joy WILL come.

JESUS WAS A COACH

Have you noticed that?

Maybe you are not familiar with any of the New Testament in the Bible. It is quite interesting to read how Jesus interacted with people and learn from His approach. Like coaches He asked a lot of questions:

·       “Who do people say I am?” Followed by “Who do you say I am?”

·       “Do you want to get well?” to the man who had been an invalid for 37 years.

·       “What are you looking for?” when two men were following Him.

·       “What do you want me to do for you?” to two blind men.

·       “Do you realise what I have done for you?” after He washed the disciples’ feet.

Jesus coaches those who listen to Him with questions that help Hi listeners to go deeper into their motives, attitudes and ways of living. He makes no assumptions even when the situation looks pretty obvious.

Which question captured your interest today?

What emotions or memories were triggered by it?

I LIKE TO MAKE THINGS GROW

This was the observation of my young granddaughter.

She was talking about my garden but the statement is equally true of my coaching and spiritual direction work.

In coaching I’m working with the coachee to dream big, face reality, make plans and set goals to achieve their heart’s desire.

In spiritual direction I’m listening hard, asking questions and making observations with the objective of journeying with the directee as they discern how God is moving in their life and going deeper into the relationship and their calling.

The difference, I guess, is that coaching tends to be objective-focussed and spiritual direction is relationship-focussed.

If you’d like to know more about either – let me know; I’d love a conversation.

TRIGGERS

Have you discovered what behaviours, in others, trigger you into a negative response?

It’s useful to know because you can then manage yourself in the situation.

I felt REALLY angry with someone a couple of years ago. We disagreed over a subject that we both felt strongly about. No big deal normally but, on that day, I was triggered. I retained the red-hot memory of the anger for over a year and found that other things were also making me have momentary bursts of anger. I didn’t like it. I didn’t think of myself as an angry person!

It was time to analyse what thoughts and emotional responses lay underneath the anger trigger.

Firstly, I noticed that my little bursts of anger were aimed at myself for not achieving, even simple tasks, as quickly or efficiently as I wanted. An age and stage thing.

I then returned to the disagreement that had triggered me and recognised that I had felt disrespected and invalidated which made me feel disempowered.

The ‘work’ I did on myself to be released from these uncomfortably negative emotions can be summed up as:

1.     Accepting that my age and physical condition means that I am slower and less able to do some things. That’s OK. That’s life. I’m very fortunate to be as healthy and able as I am. So now I plan in more time and enjoy taking things a little slower.

2.     I have developed an acceptance of my self-worth and have far less dependence on gaining self-esteem from others.

It is as important for me to value and be kind to myself as it is to extend those gifts to others. My hope is that using my own experience as an example will resonate with you readers, in some way or another, because I would like to help you get to the other side of your triggers -whatever they are. Personally, I explored this with my spiritual director and it could also have been done with the support of a coach.

What are the triggers that take you into anger, self-pity, despair, frustration etc., etc.?

I can help either by coaching or through spiritual direction. Do get in touch for a complimentary discovery Zoom call.

COMPROMISING ON YOUR VALUES

That may seem a strange title for this thought piece but I am feeling a weight of sadness about how leadership, that may well set out with altruistic ideals, can so easily be compromised when it fails to uphold the values of honesty and integrity in order to gain popularity, power or wealth.

 When I am pointing a finger at a person or group exercising such compromised leadership, I look at the three fingers pointing back at me.

·       In what ways am I also guilty in my somewhat smaller world?

·       When have I failed to speak out my disagreement to a decision being made because the tide seems to be against my opinion? I reason with myself that I have no power or that it would be pointless in view of the strength of feeling of others. Why put myself ‘out there’ and end up feeling foolish, embarrassed and unlikely to have my opinion sought another time?

·       When have I agreed to something that I thought was a necessary compromise in order to get something done? I’m not talking about negotiating a mutually beneficial compromise when both parties give way a little. I’m talking about deciding on a course of action that goes against, or cuts the corners of, my values in some way; that makes me feel I’ve let myself or others down.

 We expect a lot from our leaders. How accountable are we to ourselves in the way we lead and follow?

·       What changes would you like to make in order to live and work aligned to your values?

·       How might you help others to live to theirs by supporting and encouraging them and bravely challenging them when you see them compromising the values by which they purport to stand?

 To me, the true heroes are those who walk the way of peace and kindness whilst persevering in their calling to change the world and make it a better place. Gandhi and Martin Luther King Jr come to mind.

·       How about you? You may not see yourself as a mover and shaker – but you are in this world and placed in your particular context to simply do your best. You have a unique contribution to make and many small acts bring about great change. What will yours be today, tomorrow and onwards?

STARTING OVER

What is happening in your life that makes you feel like that?

·       Redundancy

·       Divorce/separation

·       Parents dying

·       Children leaving home

·       Moving house

·       A new job

·       Coming out as your true self – perhaps in respect of your sexual or gender identity.

I wonder whether this change in your life feels exciting, sad, terrifying, just part of life, lonely or a mixture of many emotions.

Nobody but you knows the level of intensity of those emotions. I wonder if you are you carrying the weight on your own or expressing them to someone you trust. Or perhaps you are suppressing them – even from yourself.

There is a difference between that sense of coping, because life goes on and you have to, and suppressing what you truly feel. Speaking out loud what you are going through, whether it is a relatively small matter that causes a large reaction in you or a large life change, can be freeing. Somehow, hearing your voice say what your emotions are, empowers you to make a choice as to how you react. Following that you are better able to make choices.

Speaking these things out in the presence of a carefully listening coach or a wise and trusted friend, can increase confidence in your own decision-making. How do you want to live your life moving forward? I’m at your service if you would like to explore with me. An initial discovery session is free.

DARING GREATLY AND EXERCISING POWER

I love this quote from Roosevelt. I first came across it when I was studying for my Masters, in my 50s, and writing about the power people exert over one another. I remember my tutor asking me “Where is your power Shelagh?” My immediate reaction was “I don’t have power”. That was my perspective because I was used to giving away my power and allowing others to exert it over me.

We all have power and can use it to empower ourselves and others or to compel others to do our will be using our power over them.

Where do you notice that you have power?

Power in what?

Power to do what?

Where do you want to be more powerful?

Powerful to do what?

It is important to know where your desire for power comes from. If you want power simply to be able to have your own way then ask yourself why you have that desire.

Unpacking this subject can be greatly helped by doing so with the support of a coach. Until I heard myself speaking about my power to my tutor (who was using coaching questions) I had not thought about having any power at all. This was the start of my personal empowerment. It had such a positive and affirming impact on my life that I would like to help many others into their empowerment in 2022.

Let’s dare greatly this year; individually and collaboratively. Let’s pick one another up and encourage each other on when things go wrong. Let’s persevere when facing obstacles along the path leading to our longed-for dreams and vision.

Happy New Year to you – whatever happens.

STIRRING UP THE NEST

It is said that when the chicks of eagles are reaching the stage of learning to fly, that the parents start to ‘stir up the nest’. They pull out a twig here and there so that the comfy home the eaglets have been used to becomes less so. The parents flutter over the nest with food that is just out of reach to encourage them out of the nest.

This morning I pondered on the many times in coaching that clients have brought their ‘stirred up nest’ situations to me. Sometimes it was a sense that things just didn’t seem right or to be as good as they used to be or that they recognised that they were being ‘called’ out of their comfort zone.

Discernment is needed at such times to know if the restlessness is about changes needed in the person or in their situation.

How’s your nest today? What is the nest that is getting stirred up? Career, relationships? Maybe a change of location or the dream to start up your own business? I’d love to support you in your discernment so that you can be brave but not foolhardy, wise and realistic as you consider, make decisions and take action. Let’s have a complimentary discovery call so you can start to articulate what is stirring.

JOY

What gives you joy?

When is the last time you experienced joy?

It’s Advent – when the Christian church prepares for Christmas – and I have been reading the Nativity stories. What has struck me anew this year is the ecstatic joy that the angels, shepherds and, later, the wise men experienced.

‘The shepherds returned to their flock, ecstatic over what had happened.’

‘And when they saw the star, they were so ecstatic that they shouted and celebrated with unrestrained joy.’ (The ‘Wise Men’_

I’d love to know what gives you joy. I know things are hard - seeing news broadcasts of children in Yemen suffering starvation makes me cry - yet in the midst of tough situations there will be joy to be experienced. It could be something as simple as a blackbird singing in your garden. For me it is the joy my 15-month-old youngest grandson gives me – especially now he is over chickenpox AND Covid! We laugh and play and cuddle.

What about you? Please share your joy. Noticing and sharing positive things has the lovely effect of increasing the impact and encourages others to notice their joys too. I heard yesterday from friends who are part of a group where the leaders have a real gift of encouragement. No criticism is expressed, just verbal affirmation of what is going well. My friends are feeling the joy of being in that culture.

COVID AND GRATITUDE

On Friday I will have my ‘get out of Covid jail’ pass.

10 days of feeling rough.

10 days feeling concerned in case I passed the virus to someone else.

10 days when my daughter and grandson also fell ill and tested positive and feeling so bad that a 14 month old could only cry to say his head hurt, his eyes hurt, his tummy hurt etc.

On the day I tested positive I should have been getting my booster jab.

My daughter and I are double vaccinated, so we are grateful not to have had the full-blown version of this nasty thing.

We are grateful that we live next door to one another and have each other for company and support.

Grateful for the technology that allows us to speak with others via Zoom.

Grateful to have a garden.

Grateful for comfortable beds and sofas to sleep and rest on.

Grateful that we didn’t have a power cut after the recent storm (I’m an all-electric house).

Grateful for online shopping and grocery deliveries.

However you are feeling today and whatever your difficulties in life, write them down.

Then write down what you have to be grateful for – push into the corners of your life and you will find SO much more than you might notice at a first glance, because we just get used to things don’t we?

How do you feel after doing that little exercise?

Feeling grateful is positive. It doesn’t make the lethargy I’m currently experiencing go away but it is a lighter burden to carry when the wings of gratitude lift me.

COACHING AND SPIRITUAL DIRECTION

November is almost done and December will herald the end of 2021.

As Novembers go, it was pretty good – some lovely sunny weather in Hertfordshire anyway.

The downside is that part of my garden is flooded – has been for some time and a solution has not yet been found.

That’s life I guess – some things go better than expected and others present us with a problem that seems difficult to shift.

I wonder what you are facing at the moment.

Are you starting to dream and plan for some changes in 2022?

What have you been tolerating in 2021 that has worn you down?

If you feel discontented, have you rummaged around in your thoughts to see what the cause of it is? So often, we blame a person or circumstance and ignore the deeper needs that are not being met. These might be rooted in our emotional, psychological, spiritual or physical state.

I usually do posts that are likely to be of more interest to those who would benefit from coaching. Today I also want to flag up my offer of spiritual direction. This is less about vision and goals in life and more about exploring the spiritual side of life – how you might awaken or deepen your walk with God in a gentle, relational way.

If you would like to know more about this (or indeed coaching), drop me a message and I’ll get back to you.

SHUTTING DOWN

Do you shut down?

Does your partner tell you that you zone out?

Do you ‘lose time’ and find that you have been staring at your computer screen and 10 or 15 minutes has gone by and you have done nothing – not read what was before you or responded to it.

I wonder what is going on in your life that is causing it.

Work might just be boring and you are daydreaming.

You might have some heavy decisions to make and feel like a rabbit caught in the headlights.

Perhaps things are strained at the moment between you and your partner or another important person in your life.

Maybe you are not well and fearful for the future.

Or perhaps there is just too much going on and what you’d like to do is run away.

Whatever is causing you to shut down your emotions or thinking, I want to encourage you to contact a doctor, counsellor or coach - whoever would be the best person to help you at this challenging time. As Alexander Pope wrote ‘Hope springs eternal in the human breast’. Sometimes we need another person to help us re-engage in that hope.

HABITUAL STRESS

At times, I have noticed in myself and in others, a tendency to gravitate towards stress or anxiety almost as a default reaction to problems or challenges.

I used to ask a question at interviews: ‘What sort of situation takes you from healthy pressure (where creative ideas often flourish) and into unhealthy stress?’ There were some very interesting answers to that which were of benefit to the future line manager to understand.

How about you? Are there areas where you get knots in your stomach and lose sleep at night over things that you find are not so bad in the light of day? I wonder if you might have slipped into a habit of responding to challenges in a stressful way.

How might you change your response?

A helpful initial approach would be to take some time to review what seems to trigger a stress reaction in you. If you find that there are a whole range of things, both important and trivial, it might just be that a stress reaction has become a habit. Habits can be broken, so that is good news!

On the other hand, you might find that it is one particular area of life that brings about stress. In which case it is time to bring about a change. It could be a person or responsibility at work or some problems in personal relationships or the area in which you live – etc., etc.

Here is some more good news – these situations can all be changed – or your response can be. You just need some support to find your way through and having some coaching sessions could be just what you need.

WHAT IS YOUR CALLING

Do you know?

I know that mine is to help people through being a listening ear, making discerning observations and asking powerful questions to help them unlock or simplify what has become a barrier or too complex to understand.

·       Have you lost your way or do you not feel you have ever found it?

·       Are you so busy doing tasks that you never get to think strategically and creatively?

·       It can be lonely at the top when you feel that you have to look like you have got it all together and know the way forward - - - when you don’t.

·       It can feel frustrating when people don’t realise that you have far more to offer than the work you do in your current role.

Be kind to yourself. We have had a rough couple of years and life has been constantly changing all around us. The good part is that it has caused many of us to re-evaluate our life, work, commitments and, yes, calling. That’s a healthy place of curiosity.

I know that I need to feel connected – to the work I do and the people I work with.

·       What are the most important things in life for you?

·       How can you ensure that your life is built around those?

I’d love to help you find your way into increasing your connection to calling and fulfilment.

Do get in touch for a free discovery call. It is time to get the ship out of the harbour.

ENJOYING WORK

How’s that going for you?

We are at work for too many hours per week to not enjoy most of it.

Just as a plant in the wrong kind of soil will gradually die, so a person in the wrong job or context will fail to thrive.

Are you drowning? Are you dried out or feeling bored?

Maybe you have talent that is being overlooked but you don’t know how to make that obvious.

You can change the situation.

First of all there needs to be a review of the job to evaluate whether it is a good fit for you, whether there is potential or whether you are simply a good plant in the wrong soil.

This sort of situation is frequently the subject people bring to coaching. Sometimes you are too close to see the wider perspective.

In my previous role in HR I always looked for how good a fit a job was for the talents and personality of the candidate. It is not just about getting the job done; it is about putting job and person together so that both thrive.

So are you in the wrong job or organisation? I found that changing from the corporate to the charity sector gave me much more connection to my values and was worth the drop in salary. However, you may not have that kind of option open to you. Context and commitments are important to examine as well.

If you’d like to unpack some aspects of this, please get in touch.

LIVING FREE

Hmmm – what does that mean for you?

I often read blogs where people talk about being free to be themselves.

Free is a powerfully loaded word isn’t it?

What feelings come up for you as you savour it?

Most of us have periods in life when we feel hemmed in – by circumstances or, possibly, fear. Perhaps those two overlap.

Your soul may long to live freely but you shrink back from making a start, because you don’t know where or how to begin even articulating what it means for you at this stage. You just have a yearning that needs to be heard and addressed.

So my big question is - - - how strong is your desire to live freely?

May I help you to explore what freedom is for you - to include becoming your whole self? There may be bumps and bruises to endure along the way as you make changes. But they will heal.

I can support you to decide on the practical steps you will take to achieve such a state of being. The first session is free so why not give it a try?

PERSPECTIVES

I invite you to take a focussed look at this photo of a damaged tree.

·       What do you see?

o   The damage that has spoiled the normal look of the tree?

o   The part that is vibrantly alive?

·       What do you feel as you remain looking at the tree?

o   Sadness or a shrinking from the ugliness in the damaged part?

o   Astonishment and ‘respect’ that there is so much life despite the damage?

·       What would you do if this tree were in your garden with the damaged part facing the house?

o   Cut it down and plant another tree?

o   Keep it as a testament to life winning?

Perhaps you felt you needed to agree with the second response in each section. But the point of the exercise is to be transparent with yourself about how you react to physical, mental or emotional damaging times in life.

Coaching is not therapy. However, coaching can help you with changing your ongoing perspectives of situations in your life or in your reactions to people who have been damaged in some way.

The big lesson, of course, is that whatever life throws at us, with the support of colleagues, friends, family, therapist or coach, we can learn to live and thrive and show that courage in the face of adversity is a beautiful thing. There is no shame in scars.

WALLS WILL COME DOWN

“If you are open, vulnerable, disclosing, more likely than not it will be reciprocated and walls will come down.” So says Susan Scott in Fierce Leadership: A Bold Alternative to the Worst "Best" Practices of Business Today

Over 20 years ago, when I left my marriage, I was vulnerable. Prior to that I was involved in all sorts of ‘good works’. I left the village and moved away. I felt nobody would understand.

The curious thing was, that where I had expected judgement, I received kindness. I then found that I was having deeper conversations because my vulnerability brought down barriers and people felt able to talk to me.

In a quest to find out who I was, as an adult, I did a Master’s degree, during which my mind was stretched and inspired by the tutors asking wonderful open questions. That led to training to be a life coach and, more recently, a spiritual director.

What walls need to come down in your life?

Who are the people on the other side of the walls?

How might you be more open, vulnerable and disclosing at work and/or at home and with friends?

What first steps might you take?

LIGHT AND SHADE

Sometimes we need help to see the light – for the path forward or during dark times when light is more difficult to bring into focus.

As I reflected on the light of the world recently, my eyes rested on the enormous weeping willow in a neighbour’s garden. At first glance it was a lot of swirling branches in the wind, decked in leaves that were fading from fresh green into yellow as they thin out. Then I looked harder – what could I notice by taking in more detail. I looked for light.

I now saw the blue sky that peeped at me through a parting of the branches here and there.

I then looked at what was around the tree and what blocked part of the view.

Here I noticed the Hazelnut tree; and saw that it provided a 3-D effect as I looked at it’s branches and saw the spaces between that enabled me to see the willow behind.

In all aspects of life, it helps to stop and reflect.

What is going on?

Am I noticing where there is light, even in tough times?

Am I taking into consideration the context I find myself in at this moment?

Is my view and the path ahead truly blocked or can I see points of light and ways forward?

As a coach, it is my role to help you to discern light and shade, blockages and gaps, context and detail. This can be in respect of your plans, hopes and dreams for work or personal circumstances – perhaps they overlap. I love to support people to unravel what has become muddled/complex/futile and then to choose a fruitful way forward. We can work it out.

WHO ARE YOU MENTORING?

As Cliff Richards said in one of his songs, “We’re all under the influence of somebody, all of the time”.

·       Who is under your influence?

·       Are you using that influence for their good?

·       Did you plan on mentoring them, or has it just happened?

·       Who, in your organisation or team, could do with some extra input from a mentor?

·       How can you make this happen?

Creating a mentoring programme may seem like a daunting idea and complex to set up. But how about simply starting with one person and teaming them up with another and mentoring the mentor to support them?

How about following that up by encouraging your team to look out for one another and to increase collaboration and support? Get the conversations going so that those with a competitive nature can start to compete by bringing out the best in others!

For 10 years I was on the leadership team of the charity Viva – Together for Children. The main thrust of their work is to capacity build collaborations between those who are working to help children. And last Thursday I attended a celebration of their 25th anniversary. They have a big vision and it all started when a young man, Patrick McDonald, saw some good souls feeding soup to street children in Bolivia. His creative thinking started to kick in – how about if these people were to get together and thereby feed more children more often? Collaboration.

Collaborate through mentoring; collaborate as a team; work together to increase the capabilities of everyone and encourage creative thinking and visionary strategies.

If I can help you to think this through from concept to detailed planning, please get in touch.